People Who Work Christmas Eve

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It's Five days 'till Christmas

It's five days 'till Christmas The dates almost hereWith presents and carolscelebration and cheerI feel like I've missed itAs if already gone byI'm not feeling festiveI can't tell you whyI saw a strange womanIn line at this placeWith bright Christmas sweaterand a frown on her faceIf a bedazzled sweaterwith real bells and a wreathcan't make you feel merryThen you're mush underneathThere's just so

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Encoded For Security

I code. I'm a coder. I have coded. Up until yesterday this would not be true. I spent 3 hours yesterday writing a 10 line Perl script to do a job that manually would have taken me about 30 minutes. It was a fun challenge, but I could not imagine doing it for a living.I get paid to be a network engineer. This means that I spend 60% of my time with hardware, 40% of my time with software, and 0% of

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20 Signs You're Out Of Your Mind

Suggestion by FernandoYou have long conversions with yourselfSometimes those conversations become argumentsYou frequently lose those argumentsBecause of this, bums on the street give you changeYou spend the majority of your day at a computer manipulating things that don't really existYou might get fired if those non-existent things were lostYou like the taste of black licoriceYou can spell '

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Stumped

"How about what life would be like if we still had to drive horses." -Jason from Puddleglum's WigwamHonestly Jason, I want you to know that I've been giving this a lot of thought. I believe that it would be bad. I mean real bad and stuff. Like people wouldn't like it and things like that.Okay, I admit it you stumped me. I mean I haven't been able to come up with anything even halfway amusing at

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An Explanation Of Exclamations

Suggestion by Jenylu"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -Mitch RatcliffeSome of those errors are minor, like launching a nuclear missile assault at France. Others though can be major, like upsetting a Texan with a misunderstood joke. Luckily for us we have a means to avoid that. Punctuation and

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Why Karaoke?

Suggestion by SJDo not trust this man. He is a karaoke fool, who in a moment of weakness allowed himself to sing in public. In addition to this obvious breach of social protocol, he also allowed himself to be photographed, and possibly even filmed.By posting this picture I'm breaking a huge self-imposed rule that basically states, 'Post no pictures of myself on this blog.'This rule exists for

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20 Signs You're A Crazy Cat Person

Suggestion by EmberliYou believe your cats are people.You have a cat named "Princess Mitsy the 3rd."You crochet them all sweaters every Christmas.You can't remember how many cats you have, but you know it's more than 5.Every cat has their own monogrammed food and water bowls.You scold the cats if they use the wrong one.Every cat has a color coded collar and matching bell.You have 47 ceramic cat

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20 Things Not To Do With Your Computer

Suggestion by Drama QueenDancing. Computers make lousy dance partners, unless we're talking laptops, as they tend to be more spry.Yelling. Or any antagonizing posture. Don't get mad at your computer, remember it has access to your bank statements.Deep sea diving. Uh, duh! Everyone knows computers are scared of tuna.Traveling to the Himalayas. Computers are scared of falling. Lets be honest, you

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Poor Pitiful Puce

Suggestion by AndoOh what is the useof the color named puce?So often called mauveBut never chartreuseOverlooked and ignoredHardly every adoredIt sits and it waitsAll pointless and boredNot magenta, not pinkNor rose I would thinkBut something betweenNot a shade, but a finkThen a webmaster sageWhile programing a pageHe types 'CC8899' To make puce all the rage"I'm useful, I'm wanted!""I don't have

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Blank Inside

You may have noticed a rash of nothingness here recently. There is a good reason for that. I can't think of anything to write about.I've been here before and I always recover, but figured I've give you a chance to help out. If anyone would like to try and ignite a spark of my usual pointless diatribe I would welcome it. Basically I'm admitting I'm feeling a little 'Blank Inside' and could do with

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The Peanut Butter Man

In typical Kludge Spot fashion, I've decided to post about something that is both completely obscure and pointless. This will be my second post about sneezing. I think, in general, it's a topic that needs more attention. I'm talking up the sneezing mantle. You'll notice I'm also wearing rubber gloves. Rubber gloves are a must when dealing with sneezing mantles. It seems to me so odd that we bless

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Starbucks Post

For the most part Starbucks coffee is taking over the known universe. As for me I say, "bring it!" They serve a good cup of coffee that is consistently well made at a fair price. Additionally it is their plan to add a new shop on every street corner, in every town in the world. What's more-"Whoa! Stop.""What?""Where in the world are you going with this?""Why are you interrupting my post? I was

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20 Rules Of Halloween Etiquette

Fernando over at Picando Codigo and I were going to attempt another joint "20 Things I Learned" list for Halloween. While we both were willing, it seems we were a little shy on items. Actually Fernando had 5 and I had none. So... I thought I'd try a different approach. If you going to go trick-or-treating you need to have a costumeIf you can drive to my house, you can't have any of my candyAs

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Hoisting The Jolly Roger

Upon reading the title of todays post, you might be asking yourself one of two questions:"Why more pirates Peter?"or"How in the world did I get to this stupid page?"As for the later, I cannot begin to understand the inner workings of search engine algorithms, let me instead take a stab at the former.I imagine it's because they live rather short and exciting lives. Out of the reach of the law,

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Inventing Potato Chips

There are few things as aggravating as losing. Especially when losing means winning. To pour into a task all of your hostility, animosity and general disgust only to have it come out for good is about a poor an outcome as you could hope for. To have your spite washed away by happiness and joy, you lost the battle but won the war.George Crum was a cook at the Moon Lake Lodge in Saratoga Springs,

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20 Signs You're Addicted To Caffeine

You get a headache if you don't have caffeine every dayYou've never skipped a day to find outYou have a 23 second attention spanYou have a monogrammed coffee scooperYou never speak in complete sentencesYou sleep 3 hours every night, whether you need it our notYou have a Mt. Dew tattooYou run everywhereWalking makes you nervousActually, everything makes you nervousYou have more coffee mugs than

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Memory Foam Mattress

I saw an ad for a memory foam mattress last night. Something about it struck me funny. I'm not even sure why, but the idea of the foam being like, "He's coming home tonight! I have to tell you nightstand I'm not looking forward to it." "Why?""Why?! Because some idiot scientist got the crazed idea to give me a memory! Why? So I can recall the crushing feeling of his tossing and turning all night!?

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Gesticulation

Why do people gesticulate when talking on the phone? It's not like anyone can see them doing it? Who does it benefit? To me it seems like a very unusual habit. Which is why I can't understand why I seem unable to stop myself from doing it.Even as I type, I will at times pause and point at the screen with one finger to sort of get my baring and make sure I know what's going on. If I don't do this,

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20 Reasons Why Coffee Is Better Than A Dog

Coffee doesn't poop.Coffee will wake you up when you want, not the other way around.You can bring coffee into any hotel room without extra charge.Coffee doesn't shed on the furniture.Coffee won't chase cats. Though you might if you've had too much coffee.You never have to scold your coffee.If you get some coffee on your pants, you won't be outcast for the rest of the day.The best cup of coffee

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20 Signs You're An RPG Addict

Countless hours of your life have been absorbed by conversations with NPC'sYou named your favorite pen "Foe Slayer"When you put on your shoes each morning you upgrade your AC by 2.During introductions you give your class. "Hello, I'm Peter, level 15 monk."Some days, you wish you'd brought a broadsword.When people ask you about your background you say, "I was raised by wolves. +2 DX, +1 CN, -3 IN.

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Gravity

So as I sat there in my living room, Isaw an ant on the wall. And I was impressed because I realized that it was walking upside down. It probably had no clue that it was doing this. To that ant my ceiling was the ground, and my ground was the ceiling. How awesome! How interesting it would be to have no perspective on gravity. As I sat marveling at the ant and it's usual freedom, another thought

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Current Life Tracks

Recently I've been listening to a lot of music to get me through my days here. I figured I try something new and share some of those with you. Somewhere between Rock and Pop is usually where my taste in tunes lay. As long as I can hear the lyrics.Enjoy...Thousand Foot Krutch - Breathe You InThe Afters - Beautiful LoveCollective Soul - Better NowKeane - Crystal Ball Some days I'll play this track

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20 Things I Learned From My Manager

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, manage.Numbers don't reflect reality, they create it.Overlord Boss: Micromanaging you to an early grave!When in doubt, call a meeting.The only thing that would make life better is another pie chart.It might be the best idea on Earth, but if you can't make me understand it, it's worthless.I'll never get it.The only constant is

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The Passing Of Gnats

Yesterday, for no reason at all, a good gnat died. It died in the most useless and senseless way possible. It suffocated to death in my nose. Additionally it died thinking that I was the enemy.As I was standing outside, contemplating torching my place of business to the ground, just to see it burn, a gnat flew up. It must have sensed my rather unpleasant thoughts because it started to flutter

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20 Things I Learned From NES Gaming

Fernando over at Picando Codigo has been translating my '20 Things' posts into Spanish on his blog. When he asked if I was okay with that, I was of course very flattered and agreed that I had no problem with it. For kicks we decided to go fifty fifty on a new '20 Things' list of his own creation. Half are my revelations and half are his. Any of you who can read Spanish be sure to check him out

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Under Guard

Last night was a milestone for me. I realized last night that there are people in this world who live on another plane of reality. A plane were fact and physics have no hold. Where all you have to do is dream and someone is going to get paid. That place is called marketing.Yesterday evening I was asked to participate in a survey. I was asked to share my opinion on deodorant. This wasn't an

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Chicken Little

For those of you who wonder why it is that I get paid for my job, understand that I am now earning that draw. In the world of computer networks the last thing you want to see is your network administrator running around looking busy and worried. This is a little like the bomb tech running for his life.So I'll try and post later, but I can't make any promises.

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International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Ahoy Me Matey's! Today is September 19th which is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." As you can see Kludge Spot is flying the Jolly Roger! So get your Pirate name, and start spreading some fun, "You Scurvy Sea Dog's!" Keep checkin back, as I plan to keep updating!!Pirate Name Generator - My name is Poncy Nathanial Le Grande. A bit of a buckler of swashes I imagine!! No fair clicky till you

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Lazy Thursday Blues: 9/13/07

"The real trouble with this world is that no one listens anymore!""Lets try and keep it down here people!"Stuff I found this week:Toast Notes Wild...What it will be like living in the futuristic world of 1999. (Made in 1966) - Someone call the Communal Service Agency!Are you keeping up with the Commodore? - That kids probably running a small country by now.Myth Busters - Bull In A China Shop!

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The Last One?

Yesterday while sitting in my car, idling at the Starbucks Coffee drive thru line, I heard the strangest thing coming from the car behind me. "Do you folks serve coffee here?""Yes""I want a coffee. What sizes do you have?""Tall, Large & Venti.""Okay, I'll have a..."Was I just witness to the last Starbucks holdout? Was it truly possible that there was a person living in America who had never been

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Sneezing For Blessings

During my childhood, sneezing always seemed a rather violent act. When my father sneezed, bones cracked, car alarms sounded and people miles away were thrown through shop windows, where they were forced to purchased items they had no intention of buying minutes prior.Needless to say that when dust was stirred up in my house, you found some sturdy place to anchor yourself against the impending

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Word To The Wise

+=This is my first full day wearing shoes since a rather unfortunate Labor Day 'episode'. Even seven days later ,I'm still in quite a bit of discomfort. Additionally I have peeled away a couple layers of me and still see nothing but red legs and ankles......Some people have to learn the same lessons, over and over and over and over...

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Lazy Thursday Blues: 8/30/07

"Never do this!""Terror sale on isle 4! Buy the 4 gallon Terror tub and get the spray attachment for spreading Terror evenly."Stuff I found this week:Light Saber - The New Household ToolThis is the closest you can come to being a superheroMario Bro's Cake

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20 Things I Learned From Pork

Pigs are for eating. E.B. White was a foolIf it was a part of a pig, someone, somewhere has eaten it. Additionally, they probably liked doing so.There a few inedible pig parts. Even those have been tried numerous times.Nothing tastes like pork. As such, it's not the 'other' anything. Pork is the one and only.Even bad pork is better than the best veggie burgerCured, Smoked or BBQed? Decisions,

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Stuff & Junk & Stuff

Here we are yet again on the end of another blogging week, and another LTB. This first picture just screams "Post Me"...so I did. I really do get a kick out of this!"Rubber ducky you're the one, You make bath time so much fun, rubber ducky your my favorite kind of..."Awesome birthday cake!Why is she selling Pokemon Cards on Ebay It's worth finding out.How to be a Successful Evil Overlord All

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Random Text From A Blithering Idiot

I can't think of anything funny. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll just talk about the voices in my head. People will sometimes ask me where I come up with my strange ideas and I have to admit, I don't. The voices in my head do.That might be why so many of my posts end up having dialogue in them. I talk to myself all day long, like some escaped mental patient. Arguing about decisions and wondering

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Turkey Gangs

There is a very real threat in my hometown. Turkey Gangs. Few who wander into the turf of these vicious thugs live to tell the tail. (Yes, that was a blatant poultry pun) When you look at the below photo the first thing you think might be, "Man you need to wash your windshield!" but after you get past the streaks and bug grime, you'll see the Gobblers. The gang cornered me in a rather nice

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The Abused

What is it about tension that makes people bite their nails? I don't understand. It's not like it accomplishes anything at all, besides more discomfort. Freud has some theory on this, but personally I don't care. I'm sure anything Freud had to say would make me feel even worse about myself than any amount of nail biting would. Lucky for me, I am a guy and no one really cares how my nails look.

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Collection Day

Or as an old co-worker of mine used to say 'Stuff & Junk & Stuff" Again, feel free to caption the below pics, or just enjoy and clickety click on the links.They're going for the newly popular "antiqued' look.And the latest craze to hit the street...I've had this shot in my file for months debating whether or not I should post it. Here it is, even though I still have no idea what it is he's

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Coffee For Brains

Coffee for brains, as I turn on my truckIt's completely is charge, and with any luckIt'll get me to work while I take in the viewBelieve me or not, I tell you it's trueCoffee for brains, my skull is a messVoid of all thought, no worry or stressAs I open the door to start a fresh dayI pass folks in the hall, and have nothing to sayCoffee for brains, as I sit in my chairI pour out my joe and I

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Chew Toy

Here we are, yet again, on the cusp of more knowledge that I'm sure I'm the only one sharing with you today. It has to do with something that has been bouncing around in my head for a number of years. At this point a fair amount of my readers, the ones who have been with me for a while, just signed off. For you poor unfortunate souls who remain, let me explain. Whenever I start a post with, "

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20 Things I Learned From Sci-Fi

(A tongue-in-cheek list of things to come)Tomorrow is coming for you, ready or not.Robots and aliens will be there too. If you're lucky they'll be good. Don't bet on your luck.If you hear the phrase "We come in peace" batten down the hatches, you're about to get pummeled.Clones are evil. I don't know why. Oh yeah, so is déjà vu.If you need artificial gravity on a ship or space station, you just

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There Is No Escape

Today is it, my last day. Today I have torn pants, a strong back, a happy life and a carefree outlook on life. Tomorrow I will awake and put on my big boy pants, pop an Advil or two and begin the bitter decline of life. It's over, times up. Tomorrow I'm turning 30!I've been telling myself that I don't care."Whatever, it's just a number. It doesn't change anything.""Sure it does. It means your

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20 Things I Learned From Tech Support

As long as the world turns, users will still have problemsSubstance abusers and computer operators are the only folks called users. This isn't by chanceWhen in doubt. RebootSooner or later you will meet a person who types out the words "back slash" or forgets to plug in the power cord. If you haven't yet, just wait, you willFear the phone. No one just calls tech support to wish you good morningNo

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Lazy Thursday Blues: The Return

So I found some cool stuff in the last week and wanted to share it with you. The below picture is now a personal favorite of mine. Feel free to caption it, or just stare open mouth in amazement that:A. Someone would do this.B. They would take their picture and post it onlineC. They wouldn't smile.That last point makes realize that this person isn't doing this a gag but more than likely to try and

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Death Wish

Th stench of death lingers in the air. Hanging over my house like a dark shroud, striking down randomly and without any warning. It siphons off joy and prohibits any lengthy relationship from forming. I thought after the last time it ripped life from it's conquest I would be free of it for a while. It seems that was too much to hope for and now my heart is saddened once more.The unknown killer

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Breach

It happened. sometime between Friday night and Sunday morning. I torn my jeans. Right on the left knee. I had no choice I had to wear them to work, as they are currently the only pair of pants that fit me. So there I am, at work. I have a professional job and while I'm not required to wear slacks or a tie, I always try to maintain a clean and neat appearance.A tear in your jeans cancels out any

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Where did it go?

About five minutes ago I had a post idea. I would not say, "My best post" or even "A really good idea" but none the less an idea that I had and I was semi excited about blogging. So as I strode to the restroom and back, I had a conversation with a co-worker about the arcane computer punch cards (Do Not Fold, Bend, Spindle or Mutilate) then sat back down to write down my ideas. The lesser of the

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SysAdmin Day

Syadmin Appreciation Day is tomorrow, July 27th. Now I know you are all the type of users who go out of your way to always thank your System and Network Administrators for all the hard work they've done throughout the year. Additionally I'm sure you've already planned something special for that individual.I know what I'm getting from my users already. Squat! I never see someone at my office door

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20 Things I Learned From Swimming

If there's a diving board, some man will try something both death-defying and completely idiotic.If you look around and don't see any other man doing these things, then the responsibility falls on you.Diving boards, while they might be fine for diving, should be used primarily for cannonballs or belly flops.If you can do more than one belly flop in a week, then you're not doing it correctly.A

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Friendly Sharpies

I love the smell of Sharpies early in the dayThey sooth my mind and in restful sleep I stayWith their scent intoxicating both inviting and elatingIn me they make a blissful carefree wayThey do for free what others pay forI doubt a substance could do more forMy utter lack of concentration, nodding head and relaxationI sing and tap my foot upon the floorNow I sway slightly when I standAs if on a

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Poking Fun & Loving It

Need More Laughs? Like Making Fun Of Liberals? Me Too... I'm trying to post a few new funny ideas every week to Conservative Shirt Post. Keep checking back for updates!

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Wet Socks

Wet Socks. It needs to be addressed, and I doubt anyone else is even thinking about it. In fact I believe that I can state without fear of contradiction that this is the only place where you are going to find a commentary about the whole wet sock thing. Your wildest dreams are about to come true. Buckle up.I'm not sure why this popped into my head but the other day I was drying off after getting

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Bad Driver

I have now been driving for almost 14 years. (Having just worked out this figure made all the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.) In that time I've yet to be the cause of an accident, though I have been hit a couple of times. So when someone asks me "Are you a good driver?" I generally say, "Yes. I think so."Over the last few weeks I've been wondering if this track record was just due to

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Lace Lament

Have you ever noticed that when you by a new pair a shoes they tuck the laces in? "Who cares," you think? Here's the deal, they're hiding the laces from you. Look at this picture. Have you ever seen a new shoe advertised with the lace ends showing? No. Why?Simple. There's a problem with the cutter. The darn thing is stuck at 25' and can't be set any shorter. So when you get a new pair of shoes

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Dave Barry

I’m a huge Dave Barry fan. Not so much because I think he’s the funniest person in the world (which he might very well be) but rather because I can identify with him. I find myself reading my Dave Barry Classic Calendar 2007 and thinking, “yeah, that makes sense!” I totally understand how a man comes to the point of removing a corn on his foot with his rifle and why Dave takes exception to this.

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Another Addict

I have now heard this theroy more than once. Lips become addicted to Chapstick! I mean once you start using it you lips want more. They need it all the time, like some dry mouthed drug fiend dragging himself through the city streets hungry for a hit.It all starts innocently enough, with a day of dry lips that just need a little moisturizing...the first one is free. Then two days then three. Next

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It's New...Again.

Things are happening. I'm feeling stuff swirling in my dome. I've been unavailable to blog for over a week and in that time have stored up some profound revelations that I plan to strip of everything meaningful and and trite quips and shallow revelations to. That way they will be suitable to post here... In the mean time I'm trying something new, again. There is a certain cyclical delight I have

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20 Things I Learned From Sushi

Raw = Good.The first time is always scary.If you're ever in doubt then just stick with the chicken.Toro, Toro, Toro!It shouldn't smell like anything. If if does, see #3.While a California Roll is fine, it's not really sushi.Maki, Nigiri, Sashimi. Decisions, decisions, decisions.Cheap sushi? This is never a good plan. Your palate and stomach will thank me later, even if your pocketbook is a

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Links and Stuff

The caption game is on hiatus due to very low interest. Here's some funny stuff to see and do. Shakespearean Insulter Thou paunchy toad-spotted jolt-head!The Perfect Joke Stop me if you've heard this oneMotivator create your own motivational/de-motivational poster!Old Computer Parts? Turn them into an action figure of soda fridge!Vader Hates Cell Phones Great Stuff!

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Motivator: Gaming

My first visit to the Motivator.

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Free Proofreading Service

Now that I've confessed to my blogging alter egos, I can link you to one of them and not feel guilty. I just submitted a new post to Fusionring that I think you might get a kick out of. It struck me as funny and you know what can come of that...Free Proofreading Service ...Enjoy

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Sherry Is A Liar

I just spent the last forty-seven minutes on the phone with Sherry. Sherry or Cheri or Share-y? I don't know, and in all honesty I don't think she did either. Sherry was a liar.Sherry said, "Hello, thank you for calling Giant ISP/Telephone Corporation, my name is Sherry. I see by the automated system that you're calling about number 000-555-1234, and I'm here to help. Thank you for holding, what

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From The Editors Desk: Concerning Links

Gentle Reader;I know that about a month ago I ditched the Google ads on this page. In addition I resolved to myself to keep KludgeSpot as a place for my own amusement and post stuff purely for the enjoyment of doing so. While I'm not planning on changing that stance, I am convinced that I can make some extra dough online. Currently my Cafepress gear is still selling. A slow but steady stream of

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I Don't Want The Worm

I have just started a new work schedule. I had to fight for nearly two years to get this schedule. All I can think, now that I'm on is, 'How long before I can change back?”The schedule is called "Don't Ask Me Anything Before 9:00!"I'm now working four 10 hour day's. This schedule looks really good on paper. I mean, is a ten hour shift really that much different than an eight hour shift? Some days

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20 Things I Learned From Spicy Foods

Hot does not mean spicy.If its not spicy its just gruel.Habanero, Thai Pepper, Serrano? Decisions, decisions, decisions.Enjoy the burn.Hot sauce is the new beige. It goes with everything.Mild? I don't understand...The tongue is evil and should be punished.How much hot sauce? How much is there?Yes, I have seen an empty bottle of Tabasco sauce.I like my food like a battlefield. Bathed in red!

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Highs and Lows

Up and down. Up and down. That's all that there is to it. I mean how exciting can it be? As far As I can tell the Yo-yo should really be a very stupid toy. I mean the entire point is to send it flying and then bring it back to the point that it started. If your goal is for it to end up where it started then wouldn't it be best to just never let it go? Moreover why would anyone care if they

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 27

Look It is once again Caption Thursday. Due to last weeks comments I didn't dare skip it again. I tried to find some caption craving captures for today!Take your pick and caption whichever you prefer. Or try your hand at both! As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.1Here's one to get you started:"Could this get any worse!! Oh look, a bus is coming..."2Here's one to get

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I Love My Job

"I love my job, I love my job""What are you doing?""I'm trying to convince myself to get out of bed."There are days when I have to use an excessive amount of will power to get out of bed. Actually what really happens in my brain turns on a mind movie. I'm lying in bed dreaming about the shark documentary my wife made we watch before turning in last night. I'm wearing a giant seal costume and

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DO NOT PRESS

Found this crazy obsession on Mr. Theodoropoulos's site

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Post Recipe

Dream it up and think it outWrite it down and flush your doubtBlog, Blog, Blog.Adding here, a dash of spiceJust until the post looks niceBlog, Blog, Blog.Click it out, then read it throughMaking then a change or twoBlog, Blog, Blog.Watch your hits and see them growMakes you glad and proud to knowBlog, Blog, Blog.See em come and see em goHits from here and there they flowBlog, Blog, Blog.Soon they

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Wednesday Quiz

Three Actually.I think I'm done with lists for a while. I certainly done posting them to Digg. What a nightmare. Anyway, here are a few really stupid quizzes. Enjoy and don't forget to post your results.I'm 90% Geek. A little disappointed it wasn't higher. Something about Firefly, and Spelling Bees, two things I have no clue about.90% GeekThis was a relief. I thought my addiction might have been

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Battle Of Wills

I'm currently engaged in a struggle that is testing my perseverance. I'm using all the means at my disposal but so is my combatant. It's come down to a battle of wills and I'm finding my resolve is waning. The thing is I don't know if I can win against it. It's large, severely well armored and ha a root system that would put a five hundred year old redwood tree to shame. If you have ever

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20 Things I Learned From The Internet

You want it, you can find it online.If you don't want it, you can also find it online.It might take a while.Sometimes the hunt is half the fun.Everyone has a website. Grandfathers, mothers and babies. Everyone.At some point, Google became a verb.The difference between web surfing with Firefox and IE is the difference between body armor and a trendy cotton vest.If it sounds too good to be true, it

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 26

Look It is once again Caption Thursday. Surprised?Take your pick and caption whichever you prefer. Or try your hand at both! As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.1Here's one to get you started:Lucky for Garret he was found by his mother before his father had finished cooking the fries.2Here's one to get you started:There could be no doubt about it, this was clearly a

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20 Things I Learned From Meetings

Nothing is produced in a meeting, save boredom and animosity, which is more of a by product really.A good meeting is nonexistent, but the better ones are the shorter ones.Smile. Nod. Smile. Nod.Only people who don't know about the problem or wouldn't be able to fix it are invited to the meeting.The only real object in the meeting is to get out without being blamed for anything. Having a meeting

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20 Things I Learned From Coffee

You can't do it on your own.Never skip a day.Quitting is for losers!You can't have just one cup.Time passes much slower after your fifth cup. Has it only been 3 seconds!?Good coffee is worth waiting for.Even a bad cup of coffee is better than a good cup of anything else without caffeine.Remember, water is for bathing, coffee is for drinking. Never confuse the two.Happiness without coffee is a lie

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From The Editors Desk: Concerning Lists

Gentle Reader;Over the last few weeks you may have noticed a rash of ‘20 Things’ list that have popping up this site. This was mostly owning to the fact that I was having trouble coming up with ideas for new posts. My editorials, letters, and stories are getting harder to congeal into enough actual substance for a post. So I did a few list as a fun, but not really thought out, post.It seems they

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20 Signs You Might Be A Geek

You collect funny SPAM messages.You talk to your computers, not because you're bored, but because you're afraid they might be.Your household ratio of computers to humans is at least 4:1.You are completely free of tan lines.When someone says 'organized sports' you think 'LAN party'You have lost most of your social abilities. You never used them anyway.When you must converse with others, you speak

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 25

Look I'm still here and I'm too stupid to stop doing the caption game! So...it is once again Caption Thursday. Take your pick and caption whichever you prefer. Or try your hand at both! As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.1Here's one to get you started:"I don't care if you thought it was an Ewok! You blasted that poor womans poodle!"2Here's one to get you started:"No

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20 Things I Learned From Mondays

Mondays stink.Mondays were, are and forever will be.No one likes Mondays.Anyone who does like Mondays are soulless undead or managers and therefore don't count.Never ask anyone how they are doing on Monday.Everyone is allowed to complain on Mondays.Never try to complete an urgent task on Monday. If Monday finds out you'll be sorry.If Monday's got you marked, you're done for.No one ever beats

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20 Things I Learned As A Sysadmin

“Nothing’s wrong with the system” is always the first line of defense.The longer you do this the less intelligent that users seem.It always works on my computer.I’d explain how I fixed it but you wouldn’t understand, so I just say “SYS-ADMIN USE STRONG MAGIC!”Trust me, you’re doing it wrong. If you get it. It’s funny.I’m not reading your email for fun; I’m checking the servers

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Common Sounding Species of North America

Welcome to another edition of a bird watchers companion. This time we will tackle the much anticipated release of a new guidebook. Common Sounding Species of North America. For all watchers of the common sounding species this guide will try and outline the distinctive look and attitudes to the serious hobbyist. While many people do not like this particular branch of bird watching due to the

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The Hard Way

I have always been a fan of the more difficult path for all my vocational activities. I’m not sure I can explain this, but I prefer it. I’d pick shovel over a backhoe, command line over GUI and lifting over pushing. I would much rather do something hard and then fail then do something simple and succeed. Additionally I would much rather work hard and then finally succeed rather than know that

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 24

It is once again Caption Thursday. I everyone's captions were great last week! I've got two more great pictures that are aching for your wit. So don't let them down!Take your pick and caption whichever you prefer. Or try your hand at both! As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.1Here's one to get you started:It looked like the locals were in for yet another dry summer in

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20 Things I Learned From LAN Parties

While Cheetos are nice, they aren’t worth losing for.No one should be able to hit 27 headshots in a row. No one.Alliances were made to be broken.Save a life. Strafe.You can always find a bigger gun.Campers are the dregs of the planet.A friend at the chip bowl is an enemy at the bulkhead.There are never enough health packs.When in doubt, shoot to kill.Severely over caffeinated. It's a gamers way

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Don't Break The Chain

This letter was started by a widower in Des Moines who believed he had the ability to talk to barnyard animals. He sent this letter to 12 of his friends and the next week a local paper paid him $10,000 for his life story. A man in Denver received this letter and mailed it to 12 of his closest friends. The next day he won the town raffle and brought home a new pet guinea pig! A woman in Lancaster

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All In A Days Work

There you are, playing Blackjack in a posh Monte Carlo casino. Cuban cigar in one hand, stack of thousand dollar chips in the other. You are exchanging looks with woman in a white satin evening gown and a man in a neatly pressed tuxedo with a patch over one eye. Knowing that while you sit here either of these people could be working on a plot to sell secret government documents to the highest

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The Rub

“Hey. How are things?”“Not so great.”“What’s wrong? Are you feeling okay?”“Don't pretend that you don’t know.”“Why should I know anything about it?”“You're the cause of all this!”“How is your feeling bad my fault?”“Because you tried to kill me!”“WHAT!?”“Don’t act like you haven’t got any idea what I’m talking about! Look, I know that you know that I now know! You know?”“No.”“Give it a rest! You

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 23

Well Surprise, Surprise! Look it's Thursday and here we are yet again for another caption day. I'm not sure how much longer to continue these. Are you bored of them yet? 'This is for posterity so please...be honest.'Two great pictures for today. Take your pick and caption whichever you prefer. Or try your hand at both! As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.1Here's one to

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20 Things I Learned From Hotdogs

Never read the ingredients.If you want to know what’s in a hotdog, it’s not your type of food.Never read the nutritional information.Who needs loose fitting pants when you have hotdogs?Buns, relish and mustard are just extras, not necessities.Extras are nice when you have them.Some extras are better than others.Cooked or uncooked, it’s your preference.Preservatives taste great.Even a bad hotdog

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TED Is A State Of Being

As I was standing outside a van pulled up. A blue van. A blue van with a rather large smooth viewing surface. It was at this point that I realized that I was being reflected back with a rather distorted image. Normally when this happens it is a major bash to both my confidence and my perceived understanding of what I must look like to others. You know what I mean. You see the rather smallish

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One

I did it. I made it. I'm One. Technically Kludge Spot was one on April 14th, but I don't want to split hairs, it's close enough. For a year I've been posting here and I have to say, I feel pretty good about it. It's a lot more work than I ever envisioned a hobby to be. Not the physical pounding out on the keyboard so much, but rather the grasping of ideas and the manufacturing of those ideas

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Something Funny.

Look...I found something funny."No, that's not my son either... I told you, he only has one hand!"

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Animal Caption

It's Friday and I'm not in the mood to type. SOOO.... I'm Extending The Games For Another Day!Today is Animal Caption Day! I have some photos that are just begging for some good captions! Have fun.#1:Here's one to get you started: George's plan to infiltrate the aquarium.#2:Here's one to get you started:A handy tool on any safe cracking job!#3:Here's one to get you started: 'Ninja Cat' appears

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 22

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. Today's picture is well...see for yourself!As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.Here's one to get you started:Can You Catch The Fashion Faux Pas?RIGHT! - Never wear a neon green handbag with yellow shoes!Stuff I've found this week:Farming In Skyscrapers? What a cool idea!Convert any

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20 Things I Learned In Traffic

Make opportunities where you find them, including the small space between two Mac trucks.Every car should be required by law to have bumper stickers to read. Traffic is way too dull without them.Yellow lights are irrelevant.Red lights are too sometimes.Coffee always tastes more bitter in traffic.Theory of Relativity - Whenever you are running late or your gas tank is nearing empty you're

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Into The Mists- Revisted

As is customary in all great adventures, this one started with a journey. I knew not entirely what awaited me, but the camera of my mind was loaded and I would be capable of plenty of snapshots. I was going to take a daring trek. I was to travel to the "Ballpark." My traveling companions were quite familiar with the terrain, and would assist me as much as possible. For the first leg of our

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Safari

Come to Africa! Bask in the warmth and excitement of the bush. Enjoy the slights and sounds of an Africa you’ve only imagined! Visit the infamous Skeleton Coast or spend a day at the Cape Cross Seal Colony, breeding grounds for literately thousands of Cape Fur Seals. They won’t miss one or two more! See the graceful Gemsbok, the beautiful Hartman Mountain Zebra, and the powerful Greater Kudu!

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A Personality Like...

I was over at Puddleglum's Wigwam this morning reading about personalities. It brought up an interesting memory.In high school we all had to take a personality test and get analyzed by an occupation placement specialist. It was sort of a way to bash all our hopes and dreams. My conversation went something like this."You said you want to work with computers?""Yes, very much so.""Well this test has

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Oh Spammer

Oh Spammer, dear SpammerYou’re driving me madWith pill pushing, stock tipsYou suppose I’ll be hadAnd buy up your goodiesFrom some cool website adI just want to tell youI don’t need your medsNot Soma nor Xanax,Nor pills for my head.I don’t trust your notesBut my doctor insteadNow there is the recentSending out a stock fakeAll emails to Bobby Come to me by mistake?I’ll lose all my bread But you’ll

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Wallowing

“Hey whatcha up to?”“Nothing”“You seem down. You know, come to think of it, you don’t look so good.”“I know.”“And what is that all over you?”“Self-pity.”“What?”“Self pity. I’m wallowing in my own self pity."“I’ve heard people say that before but I don’t think your really suppose to cover yourself in slop.”“It’s not slop. It’s self-pity. I produce it.”“Oh. That’s odd.”“It really helps with the

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 21

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. Today's picture is a bit geeky! Enjoy. As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.Here's one to get you started:Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-doI have a perfect puzzle for youOompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-deeIf you are wise, you'll listen to meWhat can you do with a giant hard drive?

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Undead Zombie Days

I believe that my body is slowly morphing into that of an undead zombie. I suppose you don’t believe me, but I assure you, it’s happening. I really not sure if I can substantiate this claim in any way because I have never met an undead zombie before, and I certainly don’t know if they feel the way I feel. I suppose if I ever were confronted with a legion of some decaying undead army the last

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Letter To A Mac User

Dear Mac User;Let me start by saying don't panic! This letter might seem long, but I assure it is very user friendly. I use easy to understand language and don’t get muddled up with difficult technical terms. Please keep reading, I promise you can do it. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to incorporate some stunning yet simple graphics into this note, but as I’m just a PC user, I don't understand such

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249

This morning I was having trouble coming up with a post. I have a number of thoughts, as I always seem to, but none of them strike me as particularly funny. I wonder if I need to just give myself a break for a bit. Post are becoming more forced and less spontaneous lately. I don't want that. It might have something to do with the number of posts I’ve written. I had no idea I was anywhere near 250

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 20

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. Today's picture is a wild one! Enjoy. As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.Here's one to get you started:Merl and his traveling 'Spiting Llama Band' on the road between happening gigs in Bolivia!Stuff I've found this week:Petal Powered Roller Coaster I'll try anything once... Star

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Suburban Commando

Duty calls this morning and I don’t have time to type up my new post. I’m reposting a old article that I believe will be new to many of you. Enjoy!Dressed in camouflage with a rake slung over my shoulder, I have an ammo belt full of fertilizer pellets. My boots have spikes for proper lawn aeration, and a mean spit shine. Hanging loosely in my left hand an industrial size weed n' feed spray. The

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Will Flee From Bees

“Welcome to the Friday meeting of ‘Afraid of Bee’s Anonymous.’ As always we are meeting in the heavily fortified fortress that is Franks basement. I wanted to start the meeting off by letting you all know we have canceled the picnic, on account of possible sunshine. Additionally I want to apologize for the snack last week. It seems that someone brought honey to serve on the scones. They were new

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Letter To Earl Of Sandwich

Dear Earl of Sandwich-I pray this correspondence finds you well, I suppose it doesn’t truly matter as you are deceased. I wanted to send this letter earlier so it would reach you but seeing as you died in 1792, I suppose there was little hope of a timely delivery. You might be wondering why, after so many years had past, someone would take the time to write. I wanted to tell you of my undying

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 19

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption.As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.Here's one to get you started!:Jan is laughing, not because it's funny, but because she just realized that she will die like this.Stuff I found this week:USB BBQ You might be able to read Japanese, but I think the pictures are compelling enough. The

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The Jugglers Daughter

The Jugglers Daughter Is a political science majorShe doesn’t understand himHe tries to make her seeThis is the life I’ve chosenIt’s all I am, all I knowJuggling is more than reflexIt gives me understandingMaria...You and I are quite alikeWe both are expert jugglersI juggle bean packed balls You juggle peoples livesMaria. You see,Life is like a juggling actThe balls, they rise and fallFortunes

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The Parade

“I’m here!”“Great...”“Did I make it in time?”“In time for what?”“The Parade?!”“Oh...”“Well?”“Yea, you made it. Welcome to the parade. ”“So...when does it start?”“What?”“What do you mean what?!”“I mean, ‘I wish you would stop talking to me,’ but I doubt that you’ll get that subtle hint. The parade is in progress. This is what we do.”“Where are the bands?”“There aren’t any. This is all there is. It

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 18

It seems the Caption game is all you want to play. Who am I to argue. I have another fun picture from the archive. Here is a great picture from some older news. Enjoy.As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.Here's one to get you started!:Maybe that's not the best way to put that.Stuff I found this week:Light Saber Umbrella - Did it ever rain in Star Wars?Backyard Snow? You

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Happy Tuesday

Happy Tuesday. How do you do?Happy Tuesday. I’m fine, and you?I’m thinking ‘bout the weekendYes, I agree. Me too.No one ever cared for TuesdayA point I simply sayTuesday’s insignificantNot black or white. Just gray.Monday it kicks off the weekAnd is nothing short of bleakFriday its antithesisGateway to the end you seekBut Tuesdays are just thereLike an ever steady “fair”Free of spirit, praise or

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Caffeine Shower Head

The Caffeine Shower Head© is here! Tired of waiting for your cup of coffee to wake you up each day? Sick of stumbling around the house as your java cools? Bored with the novelty of the Caffeine Pants? Always on the lookout for the new and exciting? Well, your wait is over!A new product from Really-Alert is here! The Caffeine Shower Head©!The Caffeine Shower Head© works through a patented process

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Letter To a Toy Manufacturer

Dear Toy Manufacturer,Hello. I writing this letter because I need to get something off my chest. Normally I would take a bit of time to inquire after your well being or thank you for whatever service you render. I just want to say, that while I wanted to do these things, I could think of nothing polite to say. I’m sorry.I hate your guts. That seems a bit harsh. Let me try it again, I think you’re

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Advice

“Ready for the big race?”“Excuse me?”“The race... Are you ready for it.”“I’m not here for a race. I’m here for carrots.”“Ah. So then, what’s with the big number Eight on your side?”“Can’t get carrots without it! Gotta get the carrots! WHOO!”“You, uh, like carrots then?”“Like carrots? No. I love carrots! I mean, obviously! Why else would I be here? I mean why are you here-”“Because-”“-I’ll tell

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Why Game 2

Welcome to another edition of the Lazy Thursdays Blues. The Caption game has been going good, but I'd thought I'd break it up again with another try at why. It's pretty simple I enjoyed your answers from the last time we played. I call it the Why Game. This isn't like that annoying game you play with a six year-old. Instead I will pose a question and you will give me an answer. If you know the

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Tackling Idioms

Anyone who has ever had to learn English as something other than their primary language, has had to struggle through the task of discerning idioms. As a public service I've decided to do my small part to help out. Consider the below as a small but helpful reference for a handful of idioms. It's intended for those who are still having trouble understanding these unusual and rather unique forms of

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Letter To The Non-Caffeinated

Dear Non-Caffeinated;I hope this letter finds you well, though I have to say I believe that is a false hope. I honesty I’m not sure when I should be sending this letter to you. Are you awake as long as those of us who choose to par-take of the joys of caffeine? Do you start the day as I do with alertness and awareness? I really haven’t got any idea. Do you just past the day in the restless sleep

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Coconuts

“So, what’s for dinner?”“Coconut stew.”“Again?!”“What do you mean again?”“Didn’t we have that last night?”“No. Last night was, coconut soup! I have to say I really liked that one, but I might change-”“And Tuesday? What did we have Tuesday?”“Coconut meat, served in a lovely coconut broth! My favorite! Before you ask, the day before was julienned coconuts in a hearty coconut stock.”“You know, I

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 17

I was going to play the why game this morning, but it seems that I've run dry. I poured all my creativity into a the caffeine pants post yesterday and nothing was left for this morning. I tried to turn on the funny faucet and I just got a trickle...so..It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. It's a bit grim, but I like to believe everyone was

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Caffeine Pants!

A Caffeine Revolution! Check them out at Legal Additive Stimulants. My last ditch effort to save a dying blog! Come and play in the caffeine playground one last time, before I run an interstate bypass through the center of it!

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Order Now!

Order Now! Offer while supplies last! Limit one per customer! The perfect gift! Buy one get one free! Will never wear out! Special reduced pricing! Can be shipped to Canada, Hawaii and Alaska! A real bargain! Additionally If you order within the next ten minutes you also get the amazing noodle nibbler, and our patented pickle picker, free of charge!I love fun gadgets! Infomercials were easily one

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Defeat?

I'm contemplating the demise of Legal Addictive Stimulants......Would anyone notice? I had a notion to maybe give one last try with it, but maybe it's not worth my time. Please take a moment or two and share your opinion if you are so inclined.Thank you for your continued patronage.KludgeEditor and Chiefkludgespot.blogspot.com

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Collecting Chopsticks

Every once in a while an event takes place that is so monumental that everyone sits up and takes notice. It shakes our society to the very core and spreads joy around the likes of which we have never known. For those that experience it life will never be the same. For those who miss out, they will always wonder if it really was as good as everyone else has claimed.Such an event took place in my

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Cooking with Math

Cooking = FoodFood = Good Taste Tasty Food = HappinessBy this simple proof I’ve decided that since I like to be happy I must also like to cook. I mean it’s pretty hard to deny that if A = B and B = C than A should also equal C. I’m not sure if it’s so. I don’t want to dismiss this obviously astounding mathematical proof I’ve created, but I’m having trouble with the solution.I’ve been thinking a

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Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 16

I thought last Thursday's Why Game went over very well. I hope all enjoyed it, because we'll probably be playing it again. Thanks to Patricia for the idea.For today I thought we would have some more caption fun. So it is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. This weeks picture has been in my folder for a few months, and I think you'll like it! As always

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Letter To A Sales Clerk

Dear Sales Clerk at Computer Store;I know you must be surprised to be receiving this letter. I would guess you probably don’t get much mail at work. I want to start by saying I’m sorry for you. I’m sorry you’re in a job you cannot perform. Additionally that you have started to kid yourself, and your customers, into believing in skill that you neither possess, nor will ever acquire. I don’t mean

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Technical Trade Offs

I’m not here just to entertain but also to pump your brain full of worthless information that you might someday mistake for truth or wisdom. Keeping in that vein, I will answer a question from the rather light Kludgespot mailbag. Today’s question comes from, no other that my sole sibling, or Boston Love:“How come the computer techies in an office can get you up and running but almost always leave

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